On my way back from the orthodontist (it was a five minute drive), I happened upon 8 yard sales. You may be wondering, “How does one simply ‘happen’ upon 8 yard sales during a five minute drive?” Well allow me to tell you. I don’t know. But by some coincidence (my great fortune) everyone decided to liquidate their old junk (my treasure) on the same morning. Upon seeing the first strangely alluring “Yard Sale!” sign, I was drawn in by a magnetic curiosity and before I realized what I was doing, I was rummaging through the piles of bygones and asking, “Hawoo mahchee por dees wun ung?”. I had no idea what I was looking for nor any expectations; It was purely by whim that I came over, so to my great surprise and delight, I discovered some gems that I knew I NEEDED.

I am a severe pack rat; I cling on to everything I have because I can find worth in almost anything. Behind every thing, there is a story and a history. What people no longer see as having value, others may find useful or precious. When I die, my family’s going to have one hell of a yard sale.

For a secret Santa gift exchange, my secret Santa gift recipient wanted a Starbucks gift card. I usually don’t like giving gift cards as presents because I consider them to be a cop-out and an indication of a lack of thought/effort. However, unable to deny the wishes of my recipient, I reluctantly went ahead and bought a gift card. I was prepared to travel great lengths to obtain this much desired card only to find the nearest Starbucks a minute away. The card was as inglorious as I had imagined, encased in a dinky little card-stock wrapping that provided no attempts to hold it in place, thus allowing for the card to easily slide out of its poorly constructed case. Proudly presenting this pitifully plain present pretentiously to my present present person practically spelled “Disappointment”. If it looked like I didn’t put any thought/effort into buying my gift, my wrapping better darn tootin’ show it. So, I documented my efforts to make an overly plain present into one that would garner excitement, disappointment, frustration, awe, annoyance, confusion, disbelief, awe, and finally appreciation (in that order).

Final notes: I didn’t realize how feeble my recipient was, so within the first few seconds of her wrestling with it, I felt sorry for her and ended up opening it for her. As I was struggling for my life to rip through all the tape, I was cursing myself for being such an efficient and thorough wrapper. My great efforts had turned against me. Also, I looked liked a humongous jerk for attempting to make a girl go through all that work to get a Starbucks gift card. Plan foiled.

I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but if you’re smelling something then that means that it’s IN your nose. Say there’s a pretty flower in front of you. Little particles of that flower float into your nose and it registers in your brain that you are smelling a flower (I actually don’t think flowers smell that great and floral scents smell nothing like real flowers so I don’t get where floral scent companies are getting their information). But what if you’re smelling poo? If you smell it, it means that there’s freaking POO IN YOUR NOSE. So next time you see the girl that you fancy and you smell her, you can be like, “You’re inside of me right now.”

Anyway I realized something the other day. Food only smells good when it is coming from the food that it is supposed to be coming from. If you smell pho on your friend and you say, “My! That is some dank smelling pho! I’m hungry now! Where did you go?” but your friend replies, “What are you talking about man… I didn’t eat pho today.” instantly, that delicious smell of pho is now a retched stench.

My friend used to alllllways claim that his farts smelled like Mcdonald’s french fries. I never believed him. But then one day I was chillin’ with him outside and I was like “Mmmm I smell Mcdonald’s fries! Dang I want some now!” My friend just started busting out in laughter. Eff life. I should never have doubted him.

I’ve always wondered, what does the inside of our noses smell like? Are we just smelling it 24/7 but we’re used to it so we don’t smell it? Or does it just not have any smell? I’m pretty sure that boogers don’t smell too great (this has not been confirmed because I’ve never consciously sniffed a booger) but we’re pretty much smelling them all the time. I’ve come to the conclusion that boogers just smell like what we think is nothing. So now everything you smell is just ______+boogers. And if you smell nothing, all you’re smelling is boogers. Walk into a house and be like, “Smells like boogers in here”. That is all.

(I got all my information from The Magic School Bus episode on the nose)

Paper bag art is in. Well, I’m not too sure about that but it is now. I was bored at work so my coworker and I started doodling on the paper bags. After a while, I started getting a little too into it and people would just stare at me strangely or chuckle as they passed. Pretty soon my shift was over, but somehow I wanted to stick around for a while longer and make some more bags. Lesson: nothing in life is ever boring.

Note: There was a lot more paper bag art that I made but I gave away most of them. These are the only ones that I kept.

Other Note: Do not ask me to make you a paper bag unless you have a really really good reason for it. Make your own bag it’s not very hard.

That is all.

What do you call an ant that causes trouble all the time?

A delinquant. Hehe I just made that up but seriously, I frickin hate ants. They are my mortal enemies and just seeing those tiny black bodies scurry around on the floor makes me want to punch a baby. Random tangent: when I was googling a picture of an ant to post up, I typed in “pictures of cool ants” and all that came out were pictures of antifreeze engine coolants. Dang it!

Since I was but a young lad I have waged war on these little buggers and have made it my mantra to destroy all ants that I encounter. When I was growing up, my house had an ant problem. No matter how many times we sprayed pesticide or set up poison ant baits, those pesky ants kept coming back. I read in a book that ants first send out scouts to look for food and when they do, they return to the colony to bring their homies. After reading this, my impressionable little mind began to turn and I thought, “If the scouts are the messengers for the colony and tell the workers where good places to eat are, why wouldn’t they tell them about the bad places as well?!” So from then on, I began my long but very successful campaign against ants.

Disclaimer: I was a very strange child with a lot of time on my hands and had no sympathy for insects. Therefore the following writing may be disturbing. Do not continue if you do not wish to read about my memoirs of me torturing ants.

I became very vigilant and kept my eye out for those scouting ants. When I saw the first batch of them infiltrating into my home, I would instantly kill all of them except for one. This one would be “the example” and would pay the price for trespassing. No, merely killing him would not be enough. Though I would win the battle, I would lose the war because many other can replace him. I needed to send the ants a message, ETCHED INTO THE BODY OF A SUFFERING ANT.

First I would pick up the ant and hold it in between my fingers. Then I would let it go free for a few seconds only to catch it again. I would do this for about an hour to break its spirit (seriously, an hour). After I broke its spirit I went for its body. The thing about ants and most animals is that when their life is in danger, they won’t give a second thought to sacrificing parts of their body in order to escape. So I would grab onto one of the legs of the victim and after trying to claw away for a few seconds, to no avail, it will gnaw off its own leg to free itself. I would do this 5 times until the ant had only one leg left (for some reason ants won’t bite off its last leg, maybe it’s because after that leg is gone, there’s no hope of escaping anyways).

Making sure to keep the ant alive, I would then tape its body onto a blade of a fan so that half of its legless body was sticking out. Once it was secure onto the fan, I would turn the fan on and put it at varying intensities starting with the lowest setting until it reached the highest speed. Every once in a while I would turn off the fan and verbally abuse the ant. Thinking back on it now, it sounds pretty cheesy, but in the moment I thought I was being very menacing and intimidating. I would say stuff like, “Had enough yet, ANT?!” or “Now you regret coming here don’t you?!” or “This is MY house!”.

After this last anti-pep talk, I would leave the ant (still alive) by the entrance of where I found him for his little friends to find so they could bring him back to the colony where he could recount the horrors that he experienced at the hands of the evil giant and warn all ants to avoid my house at all costs. This whole process took from about 2 hours to even 4 hours sometimes if it was a non compliant (get it? a non compliant).

But yes, I only had to do this a few times until the ants finally got the message not to eff with me and from then on we never had an ant problem again. B) That wouldn’t stop me from coming out every once in a while to cause havoc in THEIR home. I would flood the colony and when all the ants came running out, I would be waiting with a homemade flame thrower. Or I would just pour lighter fluid down into the ant hole so that it would spread to every crevice and light it all on fire.

Don’t judge me for being an evil giant to ants. I hate them. If you’re an ant, and you’re reading this… I KEEL YOU!

I just thought of some more ant jokes:

What is an ant that goes to college?

A studant!

What do you call an ant that likes another ant and always gets reject but never gives up?

Persistant!

What do you call an ant that all the other ants rely on?

Important!

What do you call an ant that was in a race and barely lost to a faster ant?

Secant!

What do you call an ant that keeps saying the same thing?

Redundant!

What do you call a group of ants that were somehow born with the ability to shoot lasers, read minds, and control magnetic fields?

Mutants!

What do you call a bunch of ants on fire?

Fire ants…

1. I was born with a third nipple. Actually I’m not sure if it actually was a nipple but when I was a child I had red bump under my right nipple but it eventually faded away. You can still sort of see a remnant of it if you look closely. But please, do not examine my nipples.

2. I have scoliosis. Which brings me to fact number

3. I am always naturally in a model pose. I don’t even think about it but somehow I’m always laying/sitting/standing around like I’m about to be on the cover of Sexy Men Weekly (I’m not sure if this is a real magazine and I’m scared to check but it should be). But the reason why it looks like I’m posing is because of my scoliosis, I’m always trying to support my back and keep as little weight on it as possible.

4. I had perfect attendance from kindergarten through 12th grade.

5. I hate ants with a burning passion. My kill count is probably in the thousands.

6. I’m a staring contest champion. Once, I kept my eyes open for 20 minutes before my friend slapped me in the face and made me blink.

7. I like seeing people cry. Not that I like why they are crying or because they are sad, but I simply like witnessing the act of crying. It’s just such a raw and honest expression and it makes me feel more human seeing it.

8. I am a child at heart.

9. I love making people laugh.

10. I am super duper uper pooper cooper stooper hooper trooper booger awkward.

11. My legal middle name is June. It’s my Korean name and yes, it’s just June.

12. I know booger doesn’t rhyme with super. You think I’m dumb or something?

13. I don’t believe in using lotion or chapstick. I have moist lips.

14. I never wear any hats or head apparel because I just look ridiculous in them. The only head gear I can pull off are visors. Too bad they are completely lame.

15. A long time ago, I was the crown prince to succeed a magnificent kingdom but shortly after my birth, an evil sorcerer, bitter that my father banished him from the land, stole me from my jewel encrusted crib and threw me off of a cliff and into the angry ocean. Luckily, I had learned various aquatic maneuvers while in my mother’s womb (where I was surrounded by liquid) and performed a perfect swan dive into the shark infested waters. A pair of great white sharks, attracted by the blinding light that emanated from my golden body, tried to attack me but were both swiftly put into headlocks and forced into submission. From then on, they became my faithful servants and the three of us ruled the seas. Over time, I became listless ordering around fish and seaweed to do my bidding and I trekked back to my kingdom to reclaim the throne, which was rightfully mine. Upon my return, I had realized that the evil sorcerer that had taken me had destroyed the entire land and fled to a distant kingdom. With nothing left for me there, I boarded a single-man space pod and blasted off to Earth, crash landing in a corn field where I was found by an elderly couple who took me in as their own (I was 3 at the time).

That is all for now. I shall put up more facts when I think of them.

~

Disclaimer: Out of these 15 random facts about me, one of them is an elaborately constructed lie that was made to seem like the truth but really isn’t.

I don’t consider myself an especially lazy person, but I do have my moments. Sometimes I’ll be so lazy to do something that I’ll end up expending more energy trying to avoid doing it than by just having done it in the first place. Some examples: after going grocery shopping, I’m too lazy to make 3 or 4 trips to the car so I’ll spend 5 minutes trying to grab all 30 or so bags at once and stagger inside. Or when I’m biking to school there’s a humongous hill with like a 50 degree incline, but I’m too lazy to get off my bike and walk so I’ll just use all my energy trying to pedal through it, going .01 mph. A lot of times I’ll be too lazy to use my hands so I’ll try to use my feet and fail horribly while looking very foolish. I’ll throw something away and I’ll miss the trashcan so I’ll spend a good 3 minutes trying to grab it between my feet and jumping up to throw it back in the trash can before finally giving up and using my hands. Or I’ll be walking with my hands in my pockets and will get to a door that I have to pull but I don’t want to take my hands out of my pockets so I’ll try to wedge my foot in the handle and pull it that way until I finally get it open a crack and squeeze through. 

That’s all for now.

I’m sorry. I miss you. I wish I didn’t leave you.

I thought I didn’t want you but now I know I need you.

It’s been way too long. Have you been staying strong?

Please come back to me even though I was so wrong.

~

I never made the effort. And I treated you like dirt.

But though I did these things I never meant that you’d get hurt.

You must have wondered what I was doing all those late nights.

Never should have gone never should have let you leave my sights.

~

I admit it now I slept around when you weren’t there.

On the wall on the floor on the table in the chair,

I was stupid I was reckless but it felt so good I didn’t care.

I messed up and even though I know it isn’t fair,

Take me back, I’m coming to you empty and bare.

~

Even though you’re silent I know what you are trying to say

I need to put in more, this relationship goes both ways.

It took me this long to realize what you meant to me.

You are the one, and I know that we were meant to be.

~

I miss the feeling of your soft touch under my head

The way you let me lay on you when I’m feeling dead.

You are important but let me say it like this instead.

You are my lover and my healer. You are my bed.

~

No really. You are my bed. I’m talking about my bed here folks. It’s finals week and I’m cracked the fresh out. I have pulled 4 consecutive all nighters and I haven’t touched my bed in 6 days. This is my love poem to my bed. Because I miss it. And I want to be with it. And I am so. tired. My balls are about to fall out of my head. My eyeballs that is. Thank God I’m chinky or they probably would’ve by now. DON’T WORRY BED! I’M COMING! DADDY’S COMING FOR YOU!

Don’t judge me.

I was studying at Boba Loca the other day when I noticed that there was a quarter machine that dispensed these little superhero figurines. There were 6 different heroes that could come out but I only really wanted one (frickin love Iron Man who has been my favorite superhero since the age of 6 (even though I love almost all superheroes)). Wow, did you notice that parenthesis within a parenthesis? Didn’t know you could do that did you? Anyways I just HAD to get that dang Iron Man figurine so I could put him on my desk and stare at him. I put in the first dollar and out came the Captain (ARGH! But he’s cool so it’s ok). On my second try came Spidey (I like Spiderman a lot… but he’s no Iron Man). Finally I put in my last dollar and HOPED, twisting the handle and shielding my face. YES!! RED!! DAMN IT ANOTHER SPIDERMAN! I was so unhappy until I saw that a girl nearby had that elusive Iron Man in her clutches. I summoned all my courage and proposed a trade, a Spiderman for an Iron Man. Successful, I ran out of Boba Loca giggling while clasping my new friend (of course I was giggling in my head because I never giggle out loud). That’s all for now.

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

You aren’t real are you? I’m assuming this is just an automated question that was sent by tumblr but I will humor you anyways and answer your petty question. Currently it is my fixie for which I am still searching for a name. But my all time favorite inanimate object is probably my baby blanket pooky. My second favorite is Pandy my panda pillow. And my third favorite is my trusty green jansport backpack which I have used everyday of school since kindergarten.